No one likes 3D

At least no punter likes 3D. Seriously, does anyone like 3D? Does anyone know anyone who’s a 3D enthusiast? Who craves the experience of the latest 3D movie releases or is an early adopter of 3D TV? A friend went to see the latest Underworld movie, 2012′s Awakening, and a Facebook thread afterwards boiled down to “Kate Beckinsale phwoar, 3D meh.” (I only half agree with that; Beckinsale meh too IMHO.)

A few months back I also read a column in the paper where the writer was taking her daughter and friends to see Harry Potter for a birthday jaunt. The kids, 10 ish, were all nonplussed that the 2D screening was sold out and vetoed the idea of seeing it in 3D, preferring to wait for the next 2D. So if kids don’t like it, 20 and 30-something men don’t like it, who does? I certainly don’t.

Living in London the past few years, time and again I was keen to see a film, then found out it in 3D. This meant that all the central London cinemas, the ones I tended to frequent, would be showing it in 3D. Suburban cinemas would offer it in 2D, or have alternate screenings, but they weren’t generally my beat.

Sure, I’d vaguely enjoyed the 1950s throwback theme-park ride of having stuff thrown at me in Final Destination 3D and I definitely enjoyed Avatar at the IMAX, but the IMAX is the only cinema in London that is properly designed for 3D. And even there I had my reservations: I don’t like the extra equipment required (the glasses), there’s always some blurring of the image on the periphery, and there’s always the chance of eye-strain and headaches. This is even more of a problem if you already have poor eyesight; my mum, for example, is a big cinema-goer, for but 3D glasses along with her problematic vision just don’t work; it hurts.

After moving out of London to Sussex, at least the local Odeon would do alternate 2D and 3D screenings of the big releases proffering this tedious, desperate gimmick. Give me a big screen with a crisp 2D HD image anyway. A big screen and the latest in reproduction and projection technology is a joy, a reliably immersive experience that doesn’t need the muddying of trying to project in 3D in a cinema that was never designed for it, and expecting the punter to don the glasses – effectively put an extra barrier between you and the image. Even Peter Jackson looks uncomfortable here checking Hobbit shots wearing both 3D glasses and reading glasses (“It’s all good,” he says, unconvincingly). All the while enthusing about the wonders of shooting in 3D with the new Red Epic camera and saying “If I’d had the option to shoot The Lord of the Rings in 3D I certainly would have done it.” I am so glad he didn’t.

Alongside the passion of these evangelical technologist filmmakers – Jackson, Cameron, Lucas, Spielberg, who love their new tools, new toys – film distributors either genuinely believe that 3D is “added value” that will save the cinema trade in the face of on-demand home viewing (legal or otherwise), or are just so caught up in the machinery of capitalism that they’re deaf to punters’ cries. The argument is that “this is what people want”; I’ve read that so many times before though, even in other contexts, like the question of supermarkets’ over-packaging of foods. But it really isn’t what people want – it’s just what they’ve come to accept as the norm after they’re been bludgeoned by enormous marketing budgets.

Even mediocre mainstream film can prevail, financially, if it’s marketed heavily enough. You see the poster on billboards and bus-sides, you see the promo or trailer on telly and online, over and over, you see ads in mags and papers. It features a few sexy stars; it’s a sequel to another film you saw, so you’re already engaged with the brand; it comes on at your local cinema, where there really isn’t much choice. It’s a Friday night out you don’t have to think much about. You apathetically pay the extra £2 or whatever for the 3D specs. You get a headache. You moan about it on Facebook to your friends, or you mention how pointless the 3D was in your IMDB user review.

Seriously, I adore the big screen experience, I love the whole package of going to the cinema. My mind is full a lifetime of memories of walking off the grubby pavement, pushing open the cinema doors, being met by the scent of popcorn, leaving behind the real world, the bustle, the traffic, your own concerns; entering the darkened room, getting absorbed by the flickering light of the image, being immersed, forgetting your own concerns for 90 minutes. And although I like an intelligent film with a decent narrative, I’m also a fan of action, and fascinated by the aesthetics and technologies of VFX. But I just will not pay for 3D at the cinema, for an uncomfortable experience predicated on a gimmick, a gimmick that served its time in the 1950s when people were being lured away from cinemas by the wonders of newfangled TV, in a similar way to how we’re being lured away now by big-screen TVs and on-demand movies.

Frankly I’m deeply cynical when the likes of Scorsese and Herzog, filmmakers who’ve garnered respect for intelligent filmmaking, not mere popcorn fare, come out with 3D projects (Hugo Cabret and Cave of Forgotten Dreams respectively), and sing the praises of 3D in interviews. These guys may be iconic, but they’re still aging professionals who have to play the game if they want the studios and producers to back them, to fund them, so they can keep working and keep earning a living. And those studios are backing 3D, and are proffering them the latest 3D equipment. Said equipment may have come on in leaps and bounds, but so what if punters don’t appreciate the end product? Do the punters’ opinions really not matter at all. Money might talk, but, you know, people do too, and when they’re polled, they don’t generally seem to feel that 3D does add value.

Oh, and to take my sceptical cynicism a bit further, remember many of the studios are these days part of mega-corporations that include consumer technology arms, eg Sony Pictures Entertainment, and its subsidiary Columbia Pictures. And what does Sony sell? 3D BluRay discs, 3D BluRay players and 3D televisions.

Still, despite venting all that dismay and cynicism, I’m still hoping Jackson can change my mind when he transports us back to Middle-earth.